| (no subject) |
[Sep. 18th, 2006|06:41 pm] |
everything is so quiet around you now that you can even hear yourself grinding your teeth from how nervous you are still getting. you really thought that now at home things would get alot easier, but they're not. because this is just the fucking beginning, and every day you hear the words come out of her damn mouth "its going to get really ugly, this is only the beginning oh its going to get fucking bad, you better keep a watch out." most of the time i dont have even a clue what im looking out for, but im doing it. maybe thats whats holding me back so far now, maybe i need to just stop looking out for something i dont know anything about and just live. just let whatever is going to happen, just fucking happen. he told you once that theres so many things that you are never going to control, the only thing you can control is yourself and the things you think about and how you cope with how disguisting things get in life, or how nervous you get, or how much you love, or whatever you want. thats all you can control. im laying on the floor staring into the hole you put my head through and still through all the fresh paint i still have these unbearable memories of how violent you got or how loud you got or how bad my breathing got and how you got me all tangled up into this kind of spider web, and ive been struggling for years to get out, and my thoughts are racing, and now i dont know if i can handle it, even if it is the only thing i can control. because let me tell you, you fucked me up. you fucked me up really, really bad. im laying here on the floor staring into this hole in the wall and remembering everything, everythings clicking, but theres still alot of things that are all tangled up in a knot that i cant get a nice grip on, and its bugging the shit out of me. because its not even just about you anymore. you're what started to get me going, and now im in really deep. you got me started, and it grew into more things and more things until i got so deep that it was like i was trapped into this huge spider web with knots keeping me glued in, and i still cant get out of these knots, and the other night i started to wonder if i ever really would, or if something like this was just natural to me. but i need someone to help me out of these knots and out of this fucking big spider web that ive created, or youve created, or whatever. i need somebody to help me get out, but thats not ever going to happen with me not saying a fucking word.
dear boy,
i just need to get enough gut to let you know how i feel about you, now. i've been avoiding things like this because ive seen how hurt my friends have gotten over 'relationships'. fuck, i know what it feels like to get hurt over relationships. i have little faith in things like that now, but i cant just stop having feelings for you? i think that because im so afraid of being in a relationship and commited, to somebody i can actually see everyday, i am just pushing you away. i keep assuming things and making up things in my mind to push you away, so that i wont have to. dont think its because i dont like you or anything, its because im scared and im pushing you away and im too afraid to open up to you this way. i cant handle getting hurt anymore, and thats whats holding me back. you needed to know that before anything serious happens. but to tell you the truth, i wouldnt rather have it any person but you, so i guess that makes me lucky. and that passage ive got typed out up there, you know exactly what its about, the only person who knows exactly what its about, and i need you to help me out of this "spiderweb" of a mess, because you're the only one who can. i really need to open up to you so that i can keep this, for once. |
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